September 15th 2004

Tonight I was going through some files on the computer and deleting those that were blatantly redundant when I came across this. I did not have a journal at the time and just typed it on the computer to remember.

Nostalgia

"There are some moments I would like to hold onto and recreate time and again. Days push past each other and the evasive pen escapes my hand. I attempt to crush these surreal, fleeting instances into my already overcrowded memory but know I will not fully recall the quality and depth that penetrated my soul if I do not record it.

Time has already dulled the elated feeling of being deeply understood and cared for that I felt on our 4th wedding anniversary last month. On the 11th of August I left for work feeling burdened by an untidy home, guilty for my shortfalls in housekeeping. In my mind I postponed our anniversary till the weekend, hoping we would have more success celebrating the thrill of being “us”. This anniversary came at an inopportune time. Kurt was writing an exam and I would be sleeping, and then going back to work.

I walked home on the quiet summer morning aware of my fragile emotions and dreading the walk through a lounge scattered with toys, clothes and miscellaneous clutter to get into bed.

I had left my keys at home and Kurt had phoned after midnight to wish me a happy anniversary and let me know he would leave the back door unlocked. As I stumbled inside, tears welled in my eyes at the sight before me: no clutter, no toys, no clothes. Despite the pressure of exams Kurt managed to give me the greatest gift that he could have that day.

As I walked towards bed I then saw a large bowl of fruit, a dozen red roses and yellow chrysanthemums. I do not know if I have ever been touched deeper by a gift. Kurt is simply everything I ever wished for and dreamed of. "